What Homemaking Really Is

homemaking (noun): The creation and maintenance of a wholesale family environment.
Merriam Webster

Homemaking isn’t about isolated tasks, curated moments, or making sourdough bread from scratch. It’s about the entire environment in which a family lives, rests, and returns. It includes the physical space, as well as the emotional and spiritual climate of the people and place. 

Before I turned thirty, I didn’t have any particular yearning to have children. I was solely focused on education and my career. My apartment was a place to crash and find respite from a busy world. It was also a lonely place where my depression festered unseen from the rest of the world.

When Home Reflected My Inner Life

If my world was dark, it showed up in how my home looked. Mess, unwashed dishes, piles of laundry. I simply didn’t have the energy to pretend I had it together behind the closed door of my home. It was not a place that I wanted to bring a child into.

Things look different now. 

I’m healthier, and my moods are more stable. I’m almost fifty years old, and I’m a mom, sharing a home with my mother. No longer a city dweller, I’m firmly planted in the suburbs on the nearly half-acre plot where I grew up. With everything that has changed, some things stay the same.

I am an unabashed, natural, chaotic slob. I hate cleaning. When I start sorting things, I want to dive deep, and I’m immediately overwhelmed by the project. Dust my bookcases? Nope. That leads to alphabetizing or color-coding my books. Clean out the fridge? Great. Now I have to look up a pantry essentials list to restock. And now I’m hungry, hunting for a recipe that uses the three unexpired items in my fridge. 

Seriously, if my mom didn’t love grocery shopping and loading the pantry like a doomsday prepper, we’d be in serious trouble. I prefer ordering my groceries online and picking them up. It’s not that I’m incapable of making a plan. (I’m masterful at spreadsheets and love a Happy Planner.) Rather, I lose interest in sticking to the plan. 

So, if you think you’ll find a way to spark joy through cleaning or a list of ten ways to scour your stove, you are in the wrong place. Oh, so very wrong.

A Life That Doesn’t Fit the Ideal

I’m single, the head of my household, homeschooling, attending seminary, and handling the finances. I absolutely believe it’s a privilege to be a stay-at-home mom, but that is not my reality, even when I’m blessed with working from home.

My homemaking happens in fits and starts, crammed into nights and weekends. If I’m not who you pictured a homeschooling Christian mom to be, that’s okay. Me neither, but here we are making it happen.

Homeschooling is woven into our days around my work, with the learning happening in the pockets of our early mornings, evenings, and weekends. Most of my PTO is spent taking him to homeschool co-op events or field trips. Sometimes, I question my decision. It would be so much easier to put him in school and have someone else do the teaching. I would have more free time to do what I want, for sure.

Yet my heart keeps coming back to knowing it’s the right thing for us. That may not always be the case, but in this season, it’s what my son needs. Even though this life wouldn’t work for most people—and barely works for us some days—it is our reality. 

Why Traditional Systems Failed Me

It takes clever planning and a lot of grace to make it happen. And when I say planning, I am not referring to a schedule. In fact, schedules don’t work for us. I’ve made ten different schedules, and they all failed in the face of reality. I created customized digital and print planners with cleaning schedules, meal planning worksheets, self-care checklists, and more. 

The truth is, I love making lists. It feels like I’m accomplishing something even if I never look at the final product again. Living the checklists is another story. No matter how I begin or the enthusiasm I bring to the table, I always end up in the same place: ashamed of breaking promises to myself. 

I’ve learned that I enjoy planning my life more than living it. That realization has been humbling. It reveals both my desire for control and my need for gentleness toward myself. I’ve had to learn to let go of trying to live up to idealized homemaker lists and traditional advice. What works for others only makes me feel trapped, and like I’m trying to measure up to an immeasurable standard. 

Choosing Rhythm Over Routine

These days, I find workable patterns instead of making plans I can’t keep.

What does rhythm look like in our house?

Rhythm matters because it gives me a way to return to what’s important without shame when the day goes off the rails. It’s flexible and forgiving. We do things in a certain order, but not at a specific time. Morning work, bible study, math, language arts, and then science and history on varying days. The times we study change, but the order is pretty much the same. 

And if our day is interrupted by taking my mom to a doctor’s appointment, that’s okay too. Our rhythm isn’t set in stone, so it allows for rest and variation. We are invited to return to familiar things without rigid expectations.

Rhythm gives me a way to stay faithful without demanding consistency, which I sorely lack. Best of all, a flexible rhythm accommodates bigger changes in our lives, such as caregiving demands, fatigue, illness, stricter work schedules, and even my depression.

Depression can be a weighty beast, stealing away joy, energy, and the will to get out of bed in the morning. Doing the bare minimum takes Herculean energy. During these seasons, our rhythm can shift to let go of ambition and forgive myself for the unfinished tasks around the house. Every season can look different, and some days will be slower than others. Sometimes, I will need more help than others. 

A Faithful Home Without Hustle

Homemaking isn’t defined by efficiency, productivity, and output. It’s about tending hearts and bodies. It’s taking a moment and prioritizing people and their needs. A home is shaped by the people who live in it, not by lofty ideals, timelines, or comparisons. As long as I’m present and making room for the people inside my home, then I have faith that I am a good steward.

A faithful home doesn’t require hustle. I can’t offer a template for perfecting your home. It doesn’t exist, and I wouldn’t be an expert anyway. What I can offer is a witness to grace, the release of unnecessary guilt, and perhaps an invitation to notice the gentle rhythms in your own home.